Snapshots
by Hiasobi
Summary: Collection of one shots centering on Sai and Hikaru. Hikaru no longer swims; tear stains on his cheeks as he sleep; who broke your heart; it's enough; Touya lost; pieces of you; Happy Endings
1. tearstains on his cheeks

**Title:** Snapshots   
**Rating:** PG   
**Summery:** Because I've recently read one or two Hikago-fics and as much as I love AkiHika, I miss Sai so _desperately_ and also the bond between Sai and Hikaru.

* * *

** Hikaru no longer swims **

Hikaru no longer swims. In elementary school Hikaru was not the star of the swim team, though he could have made the cut if he had wanted to try out, but his sport of choice had been soccer and his teachers never pushed him to choose another. Sai was uncomfortable around large rivers and lakes and the sea, but the school pool had never bothered the ghost too much after Hikaru explained that there were lifeguards to make sure no one ever drowned. 

Sai hated the thought of drowning. He had the right to be a bitter about it, since it was how he had died. And he was scared for Hikaru whenever he was near the water, lifeguards or not. Hikaru never understood that when he was young, but he understood more when he got older and thought back on the topic. 

But Hikaru doesn't swim any more; it reminds him of Sai and how Sai died. Now he's the one that's bitter in the place of the thousand year old ghost who's no longer there. He never takes the swimming elective in school and he avoids getting into the water in the summer. He doesn't go on beach trips with his friends anymore, usually saying he had a game or he was going to practice with some kifu. 

Hikaru's aversion to water bodies is unnoticed. Somehow, he's learned to be convincing when he lies - but he doesn't think about that either, because that reminds him of Sai again. He smiles and laughs, and blows a raspberry when they push him and they roll their eyes and let him go away with his rudeness.

* * *

**He has tearstains on his cheeks as he sleeps.**

He has tearstains on his cheeks as he sleeps. Touya stands above Shindou, staring down at the boy who slept over at his large lonely house as his parents were away on a trip to China. Shindou does not move, or struggle like he is in a nightmare, or scrunch his face up in worry, or murmur any names or nonsensical words. But Shindou has tearstains drying on his cheeks and Touya knows it is never as easy as he thinks it is. 

Shindou is still, his chests moves almost soothingly up and down in deep sleep, if not for the remnants of the salty water droplets, shining in the moonlight, Touya would not be bothered at all. 

_When will Someday come,_ Touya wondered, _and when it comes, would it be worth it. _

* * *

**who broke your heart**

" What do you know about love!?" She shouted. 

And with those words Hikaru's eyes become hard and deep. Akari with tears flowing down her cheeks and body blazing a moment ago with the injustice that had swallowed her now takes a mental step backwards. Hikaru who had always seemed so oblivious and focused only on his go, now his eyes are deep and dark and sees things that maybe they shouldn't have had to yet. 

" I know it's not about selfishness. Or it shouldn't be." Hikaru's words are bitter. He looks off to the side and stares at the children running around in the park. 

The sandbox. _This is where they use to play when they were 4 years old._

The swings. _This is where Akari first learned how it felt to fly with Hikaru pushing from behind._

The slide. _This is where Hikaru first learned what it was to fall and tumble, scraping knees and elbows._

The little pebble lying on the ground that was about the same size of a Go stone. _This is where memories end up._

" He just got up and left." Akari chokes out about her boyfriend who had disappeared this morning back to the American homeland where he had came from. " He didn't even tell me." 

" Then follow him." The girl snaps up her head and stares at her childhood friend, whom some time ago she had been interested romantically but he had never reciprocated. The words had been spoken in a calm, cool tone, like he was telling her about he weather. 'The sky is blue.' 'The clouds are nice today.' 'If he left, then just follow him.' 

But the emeralds are shadowed and the mysterious pain _(how could she have ever missed it)_ from that time a few years ago, is still starkly there, surrounding him, engulfing him. 

" At least he's alive." The words are soft, controlled. " As long as he's alive, and you're alive, what's stopping you?" 

At the end the young Go professional turns and walks back towards the stone path, which will take them home. 

She wonders when had it happened. Hikaru had been smaller than her once, but that was a long time ago, and he grew taller, wider, and stronger then her. Wiser too, in the way of how life worked. But his broad shoulders, which always seemed like it could block out the rest of the world as he walked away from her _(so many times)_, seems so small and fragile now and she wonders when had she stopped noticing that he was still the same tiny immature Hikaru who need her to remind him to do his homework, pick up his dirty clothes from the floor, return his library books, hand in his assignments, and not to get into fights with bullies. Still the same Hikaru who needed companionship and protection - but not by her. 

But by someone - someone who wasn't here anymore. 

" Who broke your heart Hikaru?" She whispered watching his small back disappear down the road. 


	2. it's enough

**Title:** Snapshots 02   
**Summery:** My collection of Hikago drabbles on Sai and Hikaru   
**Rating:** PG

* * *

**it's enough**

Hikaru thinks it's enough. It's enough to wake up first thing in the morning and see Akira's sleeping relaxed face mere inches in front of him. It's enough to watch those slender practiced hands place a Go stone on the board in a brilliant move he had not seen or anticipated, to have a Go board in almost every room of their apartment, to have old kifu books lining all the shelves, to travel to the Association together, to teach together, to play together, to play against each other, to challenge each other, to chase each other, to surpass each other, to be each other's eternal rivals. 

Other people watch them and wonder how the two of them did it, the two prodigies of their ages: young, fierce, astounding, surprising, stubborn and the spearhead of the new Wave. Famous, talented, and keeping the older generation on their toes. They give Ogata nightmares varying from attending another one of their childish arguments to the day when they will topple all the ones above them. Different from Isumi and the other young pros that have come before them for years, they are not complacent, they are not willing to sit back and take the admonishments without charging forward, they are not so weak that they can't prove their reputation is worth all its glory, and they are not yet strong enough to uproot the top tiered ones. But soon they will be. 

Hikaru thinks it enough to be next to Touya, to walk down that golden path with him, to have Touya stare at him back across the Goban. Most of the time Hikaru smiles, laughs, plays, proves himself in his Go and stands next to Touya. 

But sometimes, rarely, Hikaru wonders if it's enough because it has to be. Because Hikaru remembers the sight of another pair of slender hands, paler than anyone else's, which was never able to hold a Go stone every time they played. He remembered the sight of another beautiful face, sometimes across the room, sometimes closer than physically possible as he woke up in the morning. He remembered walking, running, stumbling, sprinting, _living_ with another set of gliding feet next to him, always next to him - and he had thought always would be. He remembers another's sweet smile, intense eyes, razor-sharp intelligence, soft voice, tender words and the dazzling future ahead that they had thought they had. 

Sometimes he sees the previous Meijin, and in all of Hikaru's life no matter how many times that title might change hands there will only be one true 'previous' or 'ex-Meijin' in his mind, and the weary lines on his face as he waits for an undefined opponent in the middle of the night. Sometimes he reads the lost, lonely look in Touya Kouyo's eyes as he stares blankly at the single hand on the Goban, never to be answered. 

Sometimes, Hikaru loves Akira never doubt that but, Hikaru wonders if it's enough simply because it has to be enough. Because the other more slender, paler pair of hands that held delicately onto an elegant fan was never coming back. That the silently gliding feet and ethereal figure settling to the floor in billowing sleeves next to him was never going to again. Because the soft, whiny, wise voice was never going to speak to him just one more time; that no matter how many people he surrounds himself with and how much he shares his thoughts, there will always be only one presence in his mind. 

Sometimes Hikaru wonders if he loves Akira so much is because he can't afford not to. There's so much love in him, half of it lost, wondering where to go, and Hikaru can't let himself dwell on that too long or it might consume him. Sometimes Hikaru wonders if Akira is all there is because he is all there is left. 

He tries not to draw comparisons between Akira and Sai because they were two different people and they deserved to be acknowledged as such. Sometimes, most of the time, Hikaru is content, happy, living fiercely in the moment. But sometimes he can't help aching at a particular thought or a single remembrance. Hikaru loves Akira and his current life with all his heart, with everything, everything he can give. 

But if Sai ever came back, Hikaru isn't sure what he would choose. 


	3. Touya lost

**Title:** Snapshots 03   
**Summery:** My collection of Hikago drabbles on Sai and Hikaru   
**Rating:** PG

* * *

**Touya lost**

Touya lost. Touya lost even before he began the race, because he hadn't realized the race was already _over_. Before he had a chance in the running, before he even realized he wanted to be in the race, the race had started, middled, and ended long ago. 

Touya Akira was Shindou Hikaru's rival. Touya Akira was Shindou Hikaru's Eternal Rival. There is not contesting it, no questioning the fact, no confusion over the topic. Once, back in their younger years, no one had believed that the punk haired and loud mouthed Shindou could ever match up against the silent, intense Touya. But then Shindou had pushed, pushed, _pushed_ until he had them notice his talent, his intensity, his Go. 

And it was disconcerting, unsettling, astounding on how a flighty ignorant jock jumped into the deep, still waters of the Go world and made ripples, waves, and then became its Tsunami. 

His old Insei friends still shake their head in amazement on how it happened, how there had been no precedent, and how it was sprung, fully formed, from nothing. Shindou was a prodigy, a star, and he was loud, troublesome, and he refused to be ignored. 

His middle school friends laugh raucously or smile brightly tinged with confusion on how he had made it. He said _'I'll go there'_ and he did. He said _'I won't stop'_ and he didn't. 

Shindou Hikaru was a shining, shaking, unpredicted force. He moved and he moved others, he was a spark and a bomb; he crashed, lingered, and disappeared from view before others could catch up. 

He was _brilliant._

He was so beautiful, his Go was so profound, he read so far, and he played so deep that others were caught up in his gravitation and they spun around him without even noticing. He was matter and mass and _skill_ and he lit a fire under many who crossed his path. 

And though he lingered he never stayed. His path was clear, the _Hand of God_, and once he had set on the never ending road he never doubted it. 

Touya Akira was one of the many, and the first, to have been shaken by Shindou. His carefully constructed world with his long set goals and aims came tumbling down. Here was a boy, his age, who showed him that _brilliance is possible_, that _you are not on your own_, that _the brightest star does not have to be alone_. 

He shook, trembled, gasped and he grabbed hold with everything he had. Shindou eluded his grasp again and again until finally, Shindou came of his own resolution. He came and they turned and twisted and intertwined on top of the vast expanse of the board and they created their own universe where only the two of them counted. 

Or so Touya had thought. 

Shindou challenged him with all the skill he possessed, was taught, learned and Touya did the same but while Touya had many, many teachers who had taught him growing up and stood behind him, watching spectres of his career, Shindou only had one. 

And while Touya was his Eternal Rival and understood him, motivated him, drove him, and possessed a part of Shindou's heart that was unchallenged, the rest of his heart, a larger, bigger, deeper part belonged to someone else. 

Someone else who was not Shindou's Eternal Rival but Shindou's First in everything: First friend, brother, father figure, mentor, teacher, rival, motivator, fan, first person to understand him most, best, and then completely; First love, first heartbreak, first ghost, first tutor, first true friend, brother and soul mate. 

First Love. First love-that-would-not-end. 

By the time Touya realizes, realizes that Shindou's skill, laugh, talent, moods, _brilliance_ have become important, so important to him, and that Touya _loves him_, loves him with all the intensity and might he has - it's too late. 

Touya confesses and Shindou actually confesses _back_ and somehow they get into a relationship and they make it work. They live together, laugh together, get mad together (often at each other), and they play together. And it's great, it's beautiful and Shindou loves Touya with all that he can - but Touya will never know that Shindou, no matter how hard, fast, intense, and fierce that Shindou loves him - it will never be the most that Shindou _can_ love him. 

Because Shindou had given his heart once, unknowing and unconsciously, but wholehearted. And the person _left_ him. Without waking, warning or saying goodbye to him. It hurt. Shindou had shared his life, heart, and _soul_ with that person and he disappeared to never come back. He suffered, and cried, and found a way to carry on but Shindou can't endure the pain a second time. Shindou carries the ghost of a ghost, a spectre of memories that no one else can share, a gathering of connected events that no one in history knows, and while he one day will tell Touya, he will never tell all of it to Touya. Years will be shrunken down to hours and Shindou will keep memories close and tight to his heart. 

Touya owns Shindou's heart, a big piece of it; the biggest piece that Shindou can stand give after the heartbreak, but no matter how big the piece is, there will always be a bigger piece out of his reach. Touya will live, and laugh, and shout, and love, and be aggravated by the piece of Shindou he has, and he will live happily and contented in the knowledge that out of everyone alive the shining, shaking, brilliance shines for him alone. 

And that would be true, because the other one the brilliance shines brightly yearning for wasn't alive in the first place. 


	4. pieces of you

**Title:** Snapshots 04   
**Summery:** My collection of Hikago drabbles on Sai and Hikaru   
**Rating:** PG

* * *

**pieces of you**

First it was sketching. White and black and the shades of grey from a mechanical pencil to a lead pencil, then sometimes he would scribble with a pen: blue, black, red, green and the lines slowly came more alive. White paper, blank paper, lined paper, scrap paper - he started many of his drawings on various places. He rarely finished those though. 

It was a pass time, then a hobby, and then followed by his one impulse to enter a class to get some correct teaching on techniques. 

Soon he tried water colours, followed by crayons, then pencil crayons, and all the little color marks that he used in elementary which meant nothing to him then, became more important. 

He drew initially while he was day dreaming, then as a passing hobby, followed into a genuine interest. 

He played Go, he studied kifu, he argued with Touya; but on his free time he would pull out his sketch pad and doodle. A hand here, a field of grass there, a shadow of robes in a shade √ the pictures in his mind slowly transferred onto canvas and paper. 

His teachers told him that art was the most powerful and valued when it was made with meaning and filled with emotion. He let out all his yearning, sadness, and regret onto the paper. Then he followed it with his anger, remembered happiness, wistful wishes, and disjointed memories. 

A elegant fan held in a pair of slender hands; a sparkling priceless goban speckled with blood; white billowing sleeves over the back drop of modern Tokyo; a pair of warm arms around a young curious child; a pool of still water reaching out to the end; a unclear spectre walking next to a gloriously happy teen. 

His works got noticed first by his art teachers, and then gained repute from his classmates, followed by interest from galleries. 

He's undoing every lie, bearing every secret, breaking open his soul - and no one knows it. 

Floating feet encased in wide pants walking on the side walk; the round tip of a black hat in front of a skyscraper; smooth hands with delicate nails on a shoulder; white cloth half covering a goban; shadows of a child and an adult lay sleeping around a unfinished Go game; a hand coming out of the darkness holding onto a fan as a pointer; a clash of blue, beige, and white which was the upper body of someone tackling; steps leading to the open entrance of an attic shining brilliantly; the shape of the night sky painted with underlying grid lines. 

Hikaru is telling, telling every single person who looks at his drawings everything they ever asked him, everything they wanted to know. 

The shadows of a adult in billowing robes walking next to a young child on the side walk; a figure sweeping wide sleeves back as it settles into seiza; smooth fingers brushing back blonde and black hair; the spectre of a undefined person sitting in front of a Net-Cafe computer; a grey shape lingering to Hikaru's right in the self portrait; an abstract scene of open grasslands, a dark kaya Goban, blonde and black tresses on one corner, long, flowing purple strands reaching across the board from the other; a simple open fan inscribed with _together forever._

There are many, many versions of kifu games made into beautiful art as Hikaru draws them again and again. The Go world is astounded and amused at the rise in popularity. 

Hikaru has placed many of his friends, family, and acquaintances into his drawings, but there is always one mystery: the lingering, floating, grey, undefined figure. The world knows it by smooth hands, slender arms, billowing robes, lustrious hair, and revealed one day by a portrait of an ear, delicate red stone earrings. 

The rising artist Shindou Hikaru had been asked many times if the figure had an inspiration and the young man would smile and say the person was an everything - inspiration, muse, and art. 

Many speculated on who it could be but the young rising artist never revealed a name. Many thought it could be his child hood friend Akari, the Go world joked it was the female version of his rival Touya, fewer still momentary wondered if it was the legendary **sai** they had once thought he was, and the world thought it was the vision of his perfect girl. 

Hikaru smiled and laughed. And when they asked him finally if it was _really_ a person, he answered: a ghost. 


	5. Happy Endings

**Title:** Snapshots  
**Summary:**My collection of SaiHikaruTouya drabbles.

* * *

**Happy Endings**

The funny thing is, Hikaru is not sure he had ever believed in happy endings. But he must have, for he had been devastated and so heart broken when Sai left. Even if he had not been able to say those words out loud and would have mocked them as a child, he probably had on some subconscious level been expecting it.

A happy ending.

But then it was gone, poof, like yesterday's sunset he never watched and replaced by the memory of an open window and curtains fluttering in a breeze. The image of the empty cushion across from the standardized Goban forever sunk into his mind; replacing things like naiveté, ignorance, and shallowness. The bittersweet tang of grief and shadows shrivelled up his tongue, loneliness and sorrow choked him.

Hikaru had never thought about a happy ending but when the constant happiness of 'living-everyday-like-this' cracked, he knew he would never believe in it again, if he ever had in the first place.

So when Akari confesses her sweet childhood crush, he smiles and accepts with a goofy awkwardness and half-drooping jaw. Her face flushes red but her eyes widen and an exuberant smiles breaks out over her countenance. She giggles and beams and they stumble over twisting tongues and clumsy sentences. She leaves the roof of the school with a delighted look back.

But when she is gone Hikaru leans onto the rooftop fence and wonders how long this dream of hers will last, before it cracks too.

Three months later Hikaru gets his answer when Touya confesses to him and Akari screams at the other Go prodigy to leave the two of them alone. Akari begs the other boy to let them be and Touya is pained but resolute.

Hikaru doesn't quite smile and not quite cries. He hugs Akari close for one long moment, in which Akari almost relaxes and Touya almost admits defeat, and then he pushes her away.

He turns towards Touya and even as Akari's footsteps rush off in the distance, Touya's face is alight with barely suppressed hope. Hikaru stands in front of him and it's not quite acceptance but it's not denial. As Touya takes him into his arms Hikaru knows he has caused Akari unbearable pain.

But there are no truly happy endings here, only better endings, and he's going to take what he can get.


End file.
